Why Being Fired Set Me Free

Photo by Anthony Rao on Unsplash

In many cultures and even in Greek mythology, fire holds a significant meaning. The Phoenix rising from the ashes of fire represents both destruction and creation. In Buddhism, fire is considered to be the energy of the universe, the energy of us. In the Native American culture, fire represents purification and renewal and is used in some ceremonies to celebrate the changing of the seasons. I suppose then that it’s no surprise that the actual physical act of being fired set me free.

Sometimes we think that we just can’t take anymore, but the crap just keeps getting thrown at us. Until we’re willing to stop and pay attention to the signs the universe is giving us, the incessant storm just keeps piling it on. It’s like that saying, “When it rains, it pours”. The only difference is that I felt like I had been trapped in damn monsoon.

At the end of 2015, the storm began for me, but at the time I didn’t have any idea just how heavy it was going to be. Boy, was I in for a shock and a surprise! My dad (stepdad who legally adopted me) had recently passed away when I started to ask myself if I was truly living the life he knew I was capable of. When I got really honest with myself, or so I thought, I knew I wasn’t. In a way, things were beginning to unravel for me personally and I was struggling to get my new business off the ground.

Not knowing what to do, but realizing I had to do something, I started seeking out answers and started doing things outside of my comfort zone. I read a book on codependency and began to see why certain things had happened in my life, why I made the choices I did, and how everything in my life was connected to my emotional well-being and lack of self-confidence. I also joined a local Al-Anon group where I began to gather some tools that would enable me to make significant changes.

Somewhere from the depths of my soul, I found the nerve to start reaching out to complete strangers to seek advice on ways to grow my business and build my skills. Once I did that, doors started opening for me, and I was able to accomplish all of the goals I had set for my professional self. I gained a new sense of confidence and was proud of what I had accomplished. At the same time, I still really disliked the profession I was in, the one I had thought about leaving so many times before. But, I stayed in it because it’s what I knew even though I lost my passion years ago. It was one of those, “fake it until you make it” perspectives.

Fast forward to the end of 2016. Business had slowed down, and I became petrified. I needed steady income, but I was in a dry patch. So, I decided to go to work for a non-profit in the same line of work. They were nice enough to allow me to continue with my business as long as it didn’t interfere with my normal day job.

In the very beginning of 2017 I was contacted by a potential client who requested my services. I remember there being some red flags on the initial phone call, but I went against my gut and signed on with the client. Note to self – always listen to your gut!

Then in February of 2017, I received a call from a relative whom I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. He contacted me to inform me that my estranged biological father had committed suicide. At the time of his death, he left instructions that both my brother and I were not to be at his service. Not surprisingly, he even left both of us out of his will. Complying with his wishes, he wife agreed to not have anyone tell me or my brother until after the memorial.

I thought I was over the pain from my relationship with my biological father years ago, but it turns out that I wasn’t. Even though we hadn’t spoken in years, and I no longer considered him my dad, his death opened up a treasure trove of emotions that I was soon going to have to face. On the bright side, and yes, there is one, his death enabled some family members and me to reconnect. Our relationships have continued to blossom, so I’ll always be grateful for that gift.

Soon afterwards, the client I was working for wanted me to come work for them as a full-time employee. I was offered a position that included some pretty decent benefits and the most money I had ever made. It wasn’t a ton, but it would put my family in a position where we were no longer living paycheck to paycheck. Even during the offer process, there were quite a few red flags – as red as a damn fire engine, but again, I chose to ignore them. I can recall the first day I went to work for them. I had this immediate sinking feeling that I had made a terrible decision. But, I was going to stick it out and give it my all.

Within a month of me starting this new job, I was hit with another wake-up call that I yet again, chose to ignore. After dealing with some unusual medical symptoms, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My pancreas had stopped working, so I was going to have to take insulin, multiple times a day, to stay alive. I knew absolutely nothing about T1 diabetes, and it was never on my radar. Despite the diagnosis, I continued to work excessive hours. I wasn’t sleeping much either and was under an immense amount of stress. It seemed like the harder I worked at trying to get my job done, the worse things got. Physically, I started experiencing numerous diabetic lows and highs. At some point, I just truly didn’t care about the job anymore and was more concerned about trying to manage my diagnosis and stay alive.

Finally, right after Christmas, I became ill and went to the doctor. She had me stay out of work for about five days, and upon my return, I sensed what was about to happen. As soon as I walked into my office, I saw that some of my things had been moved. I was so certain what was about to happen that I even texted my husband to tell him.

Later that day, my boss came in for a meeting with me. After a few minutes of chit-chat, she fired me. The funny thing was, at that moment, I was so relieved. There were multiple red flags that I had chosen to ignore, and honestly, I hated that job. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the people, but I hated the job. I had come to hate the profession altogether. I was burned out and over it.

After taking a couple of days to truly process what had just happened, panic set in. How was I going to pay my bills? How was I going to help to keep a roof over our head? How was I going to buy groceries and other essentials? How was I going to feed our pets? Shit! How was I going to buy my insulin and other medical supplies?

Then it happened. Commence Operation Breakdown, or as I prefer to call it, my existential crisis. For a few days I laid in bed and did nothing but sleep and cry uncontrollably. It was more than a full-on pity party. See, in those moments, I realized that I had lost my identity. My entire adult life had been focused on making my work a priority; it was the only thing I truly connected with and was good at. For years I had been a workaholic, sleep deprived, miserable person. I missed family events, even a funeral, and passed on fun outings with friends and family because I was more focused on work. Whenever anyone would ask me what I did for a living, my response would be my job title. After taking that approach for so many years, that “label” that I had attached to myself was what I had become and nothing more. When I was fired, I shed that label and didn’t recognize the person who was left.

Deciding that I had two choices – live in misery and remain a mess – or rediscover who I was and rise up from my own ashes, I did a lot of soul searching and asked myself some pretty significant questions. It also meant that truly for the first time in my life, I had to be honest with myself and speak my truth.

With pen in hand, I jotted down these questions:  What inspires me and what am I good at? How do I overcome my internal struggle and grow and gain success? What am I trying to work through? What has been my journey? What do I want out of life? Am I living my life or the one others expect me to live?

After quite a bit of deep thinking and soul searching, here’s what I realized:

What Inspires Me

• Other people’s stories of personal or professional success
• When others grow and realize their potential
• People who follow their dreams
• Learning new things
• Self-awareness
• Motivating or inspiring others

What am I Trying to Work Through

• Extreme self-doubt
• Loving myself more, understanding my worth
• Being tired of the struggles
• Fear of becoming homeless or going without food
• How to create boundaries
• Realizing my life isn’t what I want it to be and that I’m the only one who can change it
• Learning how to have a voice and speak my truth
• Understanding the impact members of my family have had on me, good or bad, and how I have the key that can unlock the secrets to change things so I can be happy

What do I Want Out of Life

• To have time to make my health a priority
• To have time to spend with friends and family
• To have connections with others
• To truly enjoy and love my work
• To make my own choices
• To be financially secure
• To feel like I’ve contributed something meaningful to another person’s life

Without being fired, I don’t know that I would have experienced my existential crisis. Without that happening, I’m not sure that I would have ever admitted how much I disliked my work. I don’t know that I would have begun to question life, to recognize the depths of my unhappiness, or to learn how to appreciate myself, my worth, and my voice.

Being fired set me free! It set me free from this trapped version of my old self. It set me free to discover what life is really about. It set me free to no longer live with blinders on. It set me free to listen to my heart. It set me free to begin living!

In my upcoming posts, I’ll share stories of my journey and what I’ve learned along the way. I’ll also share other people’s inspirational stories about how they faced their fears and took on the world.

Until next time, I hope you all find ways to begin LIVING DIFFERENTLY AND BETTER.