fear Archives | Empowered Heart

The Illusion of Fear – Why We Fear and How to Move Through It

How often do you feel consumed by a deep, soul-level fear? At some point in our lives, we’ve all dealt with a fear that has manifested in one way or another. Maybe the fear has held you back from speaking your truth, from showing people who you are, from stepping forward into a strong desire you have to create something, or even from sharing what’s in your heart. What is it that generates these fears and keeps us from breaking free of its grip?

Ego, the part of every individual that separates us from others. It’s what shapes our identity and our self-image. It’s what makes us feel more or even less important than others. The ego is ruled by fear, fear of losing its identity. The ego is a strong force, much like a hurricane. It seeks to cause chaos, to rip things apart in its path. The ego seeks to easily control our lives and will do just that unless we recognize it and take significant action. Some may argue that the ego should be released, while others may argue that we can keep the ego and utilize it as a tool to make changes in our lives. My belief is that more than anything, keeping it or releasing it, if we can process our deepest emotions that are ruled by ego, we can release the fear that rules it.

Because of the ego’s fear, we experience a separation from others. We may feel like we’re better than another person, or we may feel unworthy and unable to fit in. We cast words of judgement in an attempt to hold ourselves higher than others. We beat ourselves up for things we’ve done and said. We become concerned with other people’s opinions. We’re afraid to love, to be loved, and afraid of the loss of love. We’re afraid of not being good enough for a person or even for a job. We develop a fear of being rejected by those around us. We become afraid of being vulnerable with other people. Some of us become afraid to speak our truth. Perhaps the greatest fear for many of us is the fear of not living our purpose, of not living up to our true potential, of not being our authentic selves.

Physically, our fears can wreak havoc on our bodies. Speaking from an energetic point of view, all parts of our bodies are comprised of energy. Each and every cell in every organ is birthed from energy and requires energy to live and function properly. When our fears take over, our thoughts give rise to an increase in the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. We’re all familiar with it, the fight or flight response. Too much adrenaline results in an increased heart rate and respiration. Too much cortisol results in an increase in blood glucose that’s available and also temporarily inhibits critical body functions. All of this leads to a depletion of energy from our cells, which in turn, causes damage, sometimes that which is irreversible.

Again, the ego wants us to think we’re separate from everyone else, but we aren’t. We are all connected in one way or another. On a surface level, we’re connected by similar interests or hobbies. We’re connected by the communities in which we live, by our race or our gender identification. We’re connected by our jobs, by political, by religious beliefs, and more.

On a deeper level, we’re connected by our energetic flow, by our souls’ connection. How often do you notice that when you’re around someone who is in a great mood and really happy, that person lifts you up and you become happier and more energized? How often have you experienced the opposite when you’re around someone who’s in a bad mood? How often have you been around someone who gave you a bad “vibe” or someone with whom you connected immediately?

That’s the energetic flow that I’m referring to. We all have it because the energy system is a part of each and every one of us. That’s our basic, core connection.

Once we understand not only the mental effects but also the physical effects that fear has on us, it becomes important to understand how to work through that fear so that it loses its control. These are the steps I use to work through my fears:

Awareness/Recognition – Eckhart Tolle wrote in his best- selling book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change”. This is a key step to letting go of suffering and instead living from a place of joy. We have to identify that we are thinking of or engaging with a fear. When we become aware of it, we can move on; we can work towards the change.

Ask Yourself Why – Ask yourself why this fear has come into your consciousness or what it is specifically that you’re afraid of. Don’t stop at just one question and answer, though. When you have your first answer, ask the question again, and again, and again. Doing this will help you arrive at the next step.

Where Did This Originate – This is where the process can become painful, but I’ve also found it to be the step that begins to bring me healing and inner peace. The answer will likely deal with an event from your childhood or even one later in life that can be wrapped up in one or perhaps more categories – physical, mental, or emotional. We’re talking deep shit here – physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, parental abandonment, the death of a loved one, being a victim of or witnessing a horrific crime. The list goes on and on, but I think you have the idea.

Choice and Healing– One of the beautiful gifts that we as humans have is choice. We can choose to stay stuck in our current situation and reap the consequences of that choice, or we can choose to say, “Enough is enough. I refuse to live like this anymore”. It’s the choice that we all have in a given moment to make a change in our lives, to change our perspective.

The choice won’t necessarily be easy, and we may not have a glorious yellow brick road paved out in front of us. The choice, more often than not, takes the summoning of every bit of courage you have. For me, this step means I have to let go of the false beliefs that were imprinted upon me in my childhood. It means I replay conversations I’ve had with myself that weren’t particularly uplifting or encouraging. I reflect on the negative things I’ve ever told myself. I think about the actions I’ve taken that weren’t in alignment with love for myself. This step isn’t about trying to justify or defend my actions. It’s also not about shaming myself. It’s simply about being aware, because that awareness is what brings the change to the forefront.

Is this step uncomfortable? Absolutely! However, I believe it’s necessary. We all have a shadow side, a side of us that we hide from others, that may be attached to something deemed inappropriate by societal standards, a side where our deepest fears, insecurities, or “negative” thoughts reside. If we want to grow, we can’t keep this side buried forever. It’s important to bring it to the surface and face it head on. When we do that, we heal certain aspects ourselves; we grow. What I always try to remind myself of is that in our moments of deepest pain, we have the opportunity for our most expansive growth. We have the opportunity to set ourselves free, we begin to heal. With healing comes an awakening of peace, a freedom, and your soul and consciousness will begin to expand. Life will begin to take on new meaning.

When you’re in this phase, it’s critical that you go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t shame yourself. Again, just be with your thoughts and emotions.

Trust me, though, once you’ve made the choice to not allow the fear to control anymore, the healing can begin. With healing comes an awakening of peace, a freedom, and your soul and consciousness will begin to expand. Life begins to take on new meaning.

What to Expect Next

What happens once we’ve gone through the process of letting go of our fears? One of the first things is that we have an energetic shift in our bodies. We open up blockages so that our energy begins to flow more freely. For some, that even means an internal physical healing. For most or all of us, we gain mental clarity and we increase our connection to those around us. We also begin to recognize our individual strengths, gifts, and power. We begin to live authentically, and this is when the true beauty of our soul’s nature expands.

We all have something to contribute to making this world a better place. If you don’t believe me, imagine what the world would be like if our greatest leaders, activists, orators, philosophers, or artists caved to their fears. What connection would we have without their actions, words, or creations? What conversations, experiences, and feelings would we have missed out on? After all, connecting with others in some way is part of what we’re all here for.

Current Fears – Leading by Sharing

Maybe by now, you’re a step closer to facing your fears. Maybe you’re still somewhat paralyzed by them. If you’re ready for the next step but are still somewhat hesitant, I want to share my top three current fears so that hopefully you’re encouraged to move forward.

Dying in my sleep – Being a Type 1 diabetic, this is something that happens to others with the same condition. Of course, we could all say the same no matter what our circumstances are. Each day, I choose not to let this fear rule my thoughts, and I’m extremely grateful when I wake up and am able to experience another day.
Not being worthy enough for profound, romantic love – I know my worth isn’t dependent upon another person’s opinions of me, even if it’s taken me my entire life to know that. I’ve also been able to identify the multiple sources of this fear. It began in my childhood with my biological father and the messages he imprinted upon me through his words and actions. This fear reared its ugly head more recently this year, beginning with my divorce. There were many contributing factors to my divorce, one which was a mutual decision. However, the most painful part was finding out that my now ex-husband was having an affair. In my mind, it was another example of me not being worthy enough when someone else was. Once we decided to divorce and he left to be with his girlfriend, I decided to start dating. The first person I dated had some of the qualities that weren’t present in the relationship with my ex-husband. To make it even more exciting, he is heavily connected to the music industry. We had a lot of fun together, and I was exposed to a lifestyle I’d never been exposed to before. After two months of dating, he decided to take his ex-wife back. Yet again, the message I received was that I wasn’t good enough. The second person I dated was even more amazing and more of what I wanted to manifest in my life. He’s extremely intelligent, driven, and successful. He even has a romantic side. Having someone quote Romeo and Juliet can really knock a girl’s socks off! We connected on several levels, and while I wasn’t looking for a long-term commitment, I did see this relationship going somewhere. That all fell apart when he ghosted me. If you don’t know what that is, Google it. It’s a real thing and can be a true mind-fuck. Sorry for the language, mom. So, this year alone, the fear of not being worthy enough has plagued my thoughts. Again, I know this isn’t true, but it’s still painful. This is when working through identifying that fear and learning to let go of it is helping me to heal. It’s taking a little longer than I’d like, but at least I’m making progress. Yes, some days I fall into the loop of negative thoughts; I’m not perfect. The important part is just taking the steps to work through it, to know it’s my ego trying to retain control.
Not fulfilling my purpose – To me, this one is the most dominant one currently. I’ve gone through a lot of shit the past few years, but one of the most beautiful things to come out of it all is discovering my purpose and being very certain of it. It involves being completely authentic, which is both terrifying and exhilarating. I’ve all kinds of ego-based thoughts arise, but they are no longer acceptable to me; hence this is why I’m writing this particular blog. Writing is my way of processing the fear, of releasing it. It’s one of the most therapeutic things I know how to do. Writing allows me to speak my truth, to identify my thoughts and feelings, to let go of what doesn’t serve me anymore. Speaking my truth and living from an authentic place, one that is connected to my soul, is in direct alignment with my purpose. I’d much rather live from that place, one which is the most liberating, than from a place of fear.

Final Words of Advice

In addition to the process outlined above, I want to leave you with a few additional words of advice for processing your fears.

Let go of control – There are few things in life over which we have control. Stop resisting, let things be, and just observe.
Trust – The universe is working in your favor, even if things seem painful.
Quiet your mind – Sit in stillness or learn to meditate. We get so caught up in our heads sometimes that our thoughts can drive us crazy. It doesn’t have to be that way, though.
Remember to breathe
Speak your truth – Ignore everyone else’s opinions. They are based on their own personal experiences and are no reflection of you. Holding back from your truth will stifle your growth, always.
Be authentic – The world deserves our true nature, our bare souls. This will help to connect and heal all of us.
Live from your heart – We have all suffered some sort of pain. We all long for love from others and for ourselves. Love, kindness, and authenticity shouldn’t be feared but embraced. Be kind with your words. Be kind to others and yourself. Even in moments of intense pain and hurt, let your words and actions originate from your heart.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you decide to let go of your fears? The world certainly isn’t going to end. Instead, you begin to recognize that you’re worthy of everything beautiful you can imagine. You begin to share your gifts with the world, and your entire reality changes for the better.

What are some of your fears you’re dealing with now?

Until next time, I hope you all to find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.

Moving Beyond Fear

As I was planning my posts this week, I originally wanted to write today about realizations I had when I created my family genogram and how that connected to my beliefs, my actions, and to my soul, but something else has been gnawing at me since last night, and I’m compelled to change course just a bit. Fear, the great enemy, keeps popping up into my thoughts and into my conversations with other people. Between myself and other people around me, fear seems to be a dominant thought.

Why is that? Where do our fears come from and why do we allow them to control us? What if we were like children again and didn’t allow fear to take over our actions?

When I think about my childhood and nonexistent fear, there is one memory that always pops up. I can recall, with great detail, that when I would go out and ride my bike in our apartments, there was one hill that I always tried to tackle. I can remember peddling my bike with all my strength to get to the top of it. Once there, I had this incredible determination to stare fear and death in the face and peddle down the “mountain” as fast as humanly possible. Not wearing a helmet didn’t stop me. The fear of ramming into one of the many cars in the parking lot didn’t scare me. Nothing did. I was an unstoppable force and would slay that dragon every single time. I can’t recall ever crashing or veering off course. What I can recall though is how much fun it was and how I kept going back again and again.

As I grew older, fear started to creep into my life. Mostly I became afraid of three things. The first was being physically hurt. This thought would take on many forms, but the main one was being in a brutal car accident. For some reason, I’ve lived with this notion that my way of leaving this earth was going to be because of a wreck. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it still enters my thoughts to this day.

The second fear was that of not having money to put food on the table or a roof over my head. Even in the present moment, each time I spend money on something I become stressed. I think about how I’m going to need that money for food, the mortgage, or other necessities. I’ve often forgone spending money on fun experiences in life so that I can make sure I have money for the “adult and responsible” things. So many of my actions are regulated by the fear of not having money to provide for my husband and myself.

The origin of this fear is a pretty easy one to pinpoint. Both of my parents come from large families and hearing stories of their struggles growing up and the hardships they faced most certainly had an impact on me. Having been raised by a mostly single mom who worked full time to raise two children, I knew money was not a luxury we had.

The third fear was that of not being good enough for other people. Without hesitation, I know this fear came from my biological father not really being a significant part of my life. He left when I was very young and lived in another state most of my life. I saw him once or twice a year and when I would visit, he would usually send me to different camps without even asking if that’s what I wanted to do. It wasn’t. Because I rarely saw him, all I wanted to do when I visited him was to spend time with him, but I always got the impression that I was an inconvenience in his life, just someone he had to take care of a couple of times a year. I always felt like I didn’t matter to him and those thoughts and feelings carried over into almost every other aspect of my life. I viewed my worth as being dependent on how other people saw me and, in my mind, I would never be good enough or deserving enough of all the beautiful things this world has to offer.

So, how is it that fear plays such a big role in our lives? Why do we allow it to control us and what does it do to us?

I absolutely believe that fear comes from the words and actions of other people and what their realities are. This is particularly important when we think about those close to us in our most formative years. If we receive negative messages about love, security, money, respect, people, etc… when we are just beginning to form independent thoughts and lives, we begin to believe that’s how the world is and what we can expect.

You can find numerous examples of how someone’s early home life shapes their view of the world. Think for a minute about a young child growing up in an abusive household. If anger, yelling, and physical violence is all the things she is exposed to, that’s what she comes to think is “normal”. As that child matures, she begins to attract those things into her life by the people she surrounds herself with. This same principle applies to bigotry, racism, and more.

The more we’re exposed to these negative beliefs, the more we allow them to actually become a part of us and to hold us back. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “What you put out in the world is what you get back”, this is exactly what I’m talking about.

What if we didn’t have to live with these fears anymore? What would our lives be like then?

Just as our negative thoughts can shape us, so can our positive thoughts. If we believe that we are already an amazing, loving person and see the beauty in all people and things around us, we invite more of that love and positivity into our lives. We begin to believe that we are worthy of incredible experiences in life. We recognize our self-worth and realize it’s not a measure of other people’s opinions. We let go of negative things that no longer serve our purpose. We contribute more to those around us, to the world, and to ourselves. We begin to feel limitless and hold an unwavering belief in ourselves, our abilities, and the impact we can have.

My challenge for all of you who are hanging on to negative beliefs or fears is to just them go for a week. Let go of all of the fear, guilt, and shame you carry because these things certainly serve no purpose in your life; they are all lies you’ve come to believe. As much faith as you’ve put into those being a “normal” thing for you, put that same amount of faith into more positive, loving beliefs. Know that each of you is worthy of an incredible and amazing life. Know that each of you has something special to contribute to the people around you and to the world. Find joy in the things around you, from the birds to music or to friends and family. Express gratitude for everything you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Be aware of the thoughts you’re having and when something negative enters your mind, recognize it, then let it go and replace it with something positive.

The power to change your experiences in this world does not rest on someone else. YOU have the ability to create the life you want and it all starts with your beliefs, observations, and reactions.

Until next time, I hope you all find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.