change Archives | Empowered Heart

Moving Beyond Fear

As I was planning my posts this week, I originally wanted to write today about realizations I had when I created my family genogram and how that connected to my beliefs, my actions, and to my soul, but something else has been gnawing at me since last night, and I’m compelled to change course just a bit. Fear, the great enemy, keeps popping up into my thoughts and into my conversations with other people. Between myself and other people around me, fear seems to be a dominant thought.

Why is that? Where do our fears come from and why do we allow them to control us? What if we were like children again and didn’t allow fear to take over our actions?

When I think about my childhood and nonexistent fear, there is one memory that always pops up. I can recall, with great detail, that when I would go out and ride my bike in our apartments, there was one hill that I always tried to tackle. I can remember peddling my bike with all my strength to get to the top of it. Once there, I had this incredible determination to stare fear and death in the face and peddle down the “mountain” as fast as humanly possible. Not wearing a helmet didn’t stop me. The fear of ramming into one of the many cars in the parking lot didn’t scare me. Nothing did. I was an unstoppable force and would slay that dragon every single time. I can’t recall ever crashing or veering off course. What I can recall though is how much fun it was and how I kept going back again and again.

As I grew older, fear started to creep into my life. Mostly I became afraid of three things. The first was being physically hurt. This thought would take on many forms, but the main one was being in a brutal car accident. For some reason, I’ve lived with this notion that my way of leaving this earth was going to be because of a wreck. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it still enters my thoughts to this day.

The second fear was that of not having money to put food on the table or a roof over my head. Even in the present moment, each time I spend money on something I become stressed. I think about how I’m going to need that money for food, the mortgage, or other necessities. I’ve often forgone spending money on fun experiences in life so that I can make sure I have money for the “adult and responsible” things. So many of my actions are regulated by the fear of not having money to provide for my husband and myself.

The origin of this fear is a pretty easy one to pinpoint. Both of my parents come from large families and hearing stories of their struggles growing up and the hardships they faced most certainly had an impact on me. Having been raised by a mostly single mom who worked full time to raise two children, I knew money was not a luxury we had.

The third fear was that of not being good enough for other people. Without hesitation, I know this fear came from my biological father not really being a significant part of my life. He left when I was very young and lived in another state most of my life. I saw him once or twice a year and when I would visit, he would usually send me to different camps without even asking if that’s what I wanted to do. It wasn’t. Because I rarely saw him, all I wanted to do when I visited him was to spend time with him, but I always got the impression that I was an inconvenience in his life, just someone he had to take care of a couple of times a year. I always felt like I didn’t matter to him and those thoughts and feelings carried over into almost every other aspect of my life. I viewed my worth as being dependent on how other people saw me and, in my mind, I would never be good enough or deserving enough of all the beautiful things this world has to offer.

So, how is it that fear plays such a big role in our lives? Why do we allow it to control us and what does it do to us?

I absolutely believe that fear comes from the words and actions of other people and what their realities are. This is particularly important when we think about those close to us in our most formative years. If we receive negative messages about love, security, money, respect, people, etc… when we are just beginning to form independent thoughts and lives, we begin to believe that’s how the world is and what we can expect.

You can find numerous examples of how someone’s early home life shapes their view of the world. Think for a minute about a young child growing up in an abusive household. If anger, yelling, and physical violence is all the things she is exposed to, that’s what she comes to think is “normal”. As that child matures, she begins to attract those things into her life by the people she surrounds herself with. This same principle applies to bigotry, racism, and more.

The more we’re exposed to these negative beliefs, the more we allow them to actually become a part of us and to hold us back. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “What you put out in the world is what you get back”, this is exactly what I’m talking about.

What if we didn’t have to live with these fears anymore? What would our lives be like then?

Just as our negative thoughts can shape us, so can our positive thoughts. If we believe that we are already an amazing, loving person and see the beauty in all people and things around us, we invite more of that love and positivity into our lives. We begin to believe that we are worthy of incredible experiences in life. We recognize our self-worth and realize it’s not a measure of other people’s opinions. We let go of negative things that no longer serve our purpose. We contribute more to those around us, to the world, and to ourselves. We begin to feel limitless and hold an unwavering belief in ourselves, our abilities, and the impact we can have.

My challenge for all of you who are hanging on to negative beliefs or fears is to just them go for a week. Let go of all of the fear, guilt, and shame you carry because these things certainly serve no purpose in your life; they are all lies you’ve come to believe. As much faith as you’ve put into those being a “normal” thing for you, put that same amount of faith into more positive, loving beliefs. Know that each of you is worthy of an incredible and amazing life. Know that each of you has something special to contribute to the people around you and to the world. Find joy in the things around you, from the birds to music or to friends and family. Express gratitude for everything you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Be aware of the thoughts you’re having and when something negative enters your mind, recognize it, then let it go and replace it with something positive.

The power to change your experiences in this world does not rest on someone else. YOU have the ability to create the life you want and it all starts with your beliefs, observations, and reactions.

Until next time, I hope you all find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.

The Need for Self-Awareness

I’ve never been one who can remember quotes from people or lines from movies. Hell, I have a hard enough time remembering what someone said to me yesterday, but there is one quote that has stood out to me for years now. Eckhart Tolle, one of modern day’s greatest spiritual teachers, has said, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change”. In my mind, this could not be truer. But what is awareness and why is it important?

Psychologists have studied self-awareness for decades and even though the definitions may vary slightly, the core of self-awareness boils down to being present in a given moment without being critical of yourself. It’s about recognizing the feeling or thought that you are experiencing at a given moment and understanding why you are having that feeling or thought. Once you recognize it, you can detach yourself from it and move forward with growth.

Just the other day, I noticed I was feeling frustrated and even somewhat angry. I had been that way since waking up and it wasn’t going away. I could feel the frustration deep inside and noticed that I carried that feeling into everything from the traffic to people and to my job. As I was running errands for work, I could feel the frustration boiling over. I went to make a bank deposit and when the lady in front of me finished her transaction, she turned and gave me what I perceived as a dirty look then walked right into my personal space almost bumping into me when she had all this other room around her. I immediately thought to myself, “What the hell is her problem?”.

Right after that, I had to find a Dollar General store to get some supplies for work. You’d think this would be a pretty easy task, especially with GPS, but not this day. I was driving towards the store when I almost ran a red light because I was paying more attention to the GPS than to the road. Somehow, me almost doing that was not my fault, but was because of the GPS. So, my frustration level went up. As I pulled into the parking lot where the store was supposed to be, I noticed that it was gone. Thanks again, GPS! Now my frustration had reached a tipping point. Nothing about this day was working out for me.

That’s when I had to take some deep breaths and figure out what was going on. I started asking myself a lot of questions. Yep, I talk to myself all the time! Sometimes I even do it out loud, and I’m sure I provide a lot of entertainment for other people. There I was, driving down the road, going totally out of my way to another store when I said out loud, “Ok, Christine, what’s really bothering you today?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Ok, I’m angry with myself.”
“Why are you angry with yourself?”
“I’m angry with myself because I’m not doing what I want to be doing at this moment.”
“What is it that you want to be doing?”
“I want to be working on things that feed my soul and honor my purpose.”
“Ok, why haven’t you done those things this week?”
“Well, part of it’s because I’ve been so tired.”
“Ok, so get some rest. There’s nothing wrong with that and you need to take care of yourself.”
“But I’m also angry because I wanted to have done more by now.”
“Well, you can’t go back in time but you can make some changes so why don’t you carve out time this week?”
“That sounds fair. I’ll get some rest and then on my day off, I’ll set some goals so I feel better about all of this.”

The conversation went on a bit more, but I soon realized a few things from my experience. There was nothing wrong with the lady at the bank. The problem was with me and my perceptions of her actions. GPS failing me? Nope, there wasn’t anything wrong with the GPS either; it’s technology after all, and technology fails sometimes. I also realized that my frustrations were affecting everything I did and the energy I was putting out there. Until I was able to change my way of thinking, those negative thoughts were going to continue. The most remarkable observation from this was that once I became aware of why I was feeling so much frustration, my entire mindset changed, and I felt ready to accomplish some of my goals and take on the world. I suddenly felt extreme happiness and all of my stress was gone. I knew that to get in the space where I wanted to be, I had to change some patterns and take some action. That simple process of being aware of my feelings and getting to the core of the cause immediately changed my outlook and put me in a better frame of mind.

If we can make a conscious effort to be aware of our thoughts and feelings, it becomes so much easier to respond to things around us. We can change our attitudes, our course of action, and our impact on other people. Awareness brings to the forefront of our minds what steps we need to take to change our lives. If we neglect to be aware or if we just live by going through the motions, we fail to grow as individuals and a society.

So, here’s my advice. If you don’t like how things are going for you right now, take a few moments each day to be aware of why you’re feeling that way. Shut down outside influences and just be still with yourself. Know that only you are responsible for your attitude and choices; it’s not what others do to you or how someone else “makes” you feel. Learn to understand what’s driving your thoughts and emotions and know that if you want something more, you have the power to make it happen.

Want some tips on how to be more self-aware? Stay tuned for my next blog when I’ll discuss some of the techniques that have worked for me and countless of other people. Until next time, I hope you all find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.

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