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Authenticity – Be Your Gift to the World

Confident about embracing my shadow side and becoming a warrior!

It’s not news that we’re living in a time when it’s so easy to connect with others. Within mere seconds, we can communicate with friends, family, and strangers from all over the world. Yet, how many of us actually still feel disconnected from the world and why?

I often think it’s because we’re afraid to be our authentic selves. It’s so much easier for us to hide behind our computer screens and share only those things that we believe people may find acceptable. It’s easier for us to put on a mask and present only the joyous aspects our lives, to put on a show. Sure, it’s great to spread positivity, and it’s something that I tend to do myself, but we all have a shadow side. We all have insecurities or fears of some type. We all have struggles that we try our damnedest to work through.

Why is it then that it’s so challenging for us to be completely truthful, to show the world all aspects of our ourselves? Is it the fear of judgement? Is it the fear of losing certain people in our circle? Is it because it seems too painful to think about, much less talk about, our scars, our “failures”, our fears, and the topics that scare the living shit out of us? Our authentic self is part of the human condition. There is no need to feel shame, self-loathing, or fear. Everything that we’ve experienced or felt are the things that connect us. To deny any part of them is to dishonor who you are, and in case nobody’s told you, you are amazingly beautiful!

What if you decided for one day to truly honor yourself, to let go of any false image you present, and just be yourself? What if you showed up to the world and professed all of the grand things about your soul, along with your insecurities, fears, and struggles? Honestly, what’s the worst thing that could happen? The world isn’t going to end, I can tell you that much. What will happen is that you’ll connect with people like never before. When you’re vulnerable and shed your skin, others feel a sense of relief that they aren’t in this alone, that others know exactly what they’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing. The greatest gift you can give to others is your true self, your truth, the essence of your soul. That’s how we find healing, through the strength in others.

Here are some of my authentic shadow sides. Do any of these resonate with you?

Rarely felt like I fit in when I was younger and that still exists today
Suffered from depression
Attempted suicide a couple of times and thought about it more
Never felt loved by my biological father
I had no self-worth for much of my life
Felt like I wasn’t deserving of what I dreamed about
Have used alcohol and drugs to hide from myself
Have stood in the mirror and hated my appearance
Have been fired from jobs
Have lived paycheck to paycheck and been absolutely terrified about being homeless
Chose to bury myself in work because of my fear of not having money and so I could avoid dealing with my emotions
Have been harsh towards people who hurt me
Have been envious of others who seemed to have their life figured out
Have felt judged because of diabetes
Have felt unlovable

Here are some of the amazing parts of my authentic side that I’ve embraced. Do any of these resonate with you?

I have a big heart
I love deeply
I have a gift for connecting with others
I’ve always been drawn towards helping people
I enjoy seeing people grow
I’m intelligent and driven
I’m a big dreamer
I embrace life
I’ve been able to accomplish a lot personally and professionally
I love myself
I enjoy challenging myself
I find joy in the simple things like sunrises, sunsets, and the stars
I try to see the good in everyone
My strength is my ability to share my feelings with an open heart
I know what my purpose is
More than anything, I know I am a fucking warrior

So just for today, let your authentic-self shine. Take a deep breath, let go of all of your worries, and unleash your bad-ass, beautiful soul into the world! Share yourself so others can find a way to work through their struggles and begin to heal. Be your gift to the world.

The Illusion of Fear – Why We Fear and How to Move Through It

How often do you feel consumed by a deep, soul-level fear? At some point in our lives, we’ve all dealt with a fear that has manifested in one way or another. Maybe the fear has held you back from speaking your truth, from showing people who you are, from stepping forward into a strong desire you have to create something, or even from sharing what’s in your heart. What is it that generates these fears and keeps us from breaking free of its grip?

Ego, the part of every individual that separates us from others. It’s what shapes our identity and our self-image. It’s what makes us feel more or even less important than others. The ego is ruled by fear, fear of losing its identity. The ego is a strong force, much like a hurricane. It seeks to cause chaos, to rip things apart in its path. The ego seeks to easily control our lives and will do just that unless we recognize it and take significant action. Some may argue that the ego should be released, while others may argue that we can keep the ego and utilize it as a tool to make changes in our lives. My belief is that more than anything, keeping it or releasing it, if we can process our deepest emotions that are ruled by ego, we can release the fear that rules it.

Because of the ego’s fear, we experience a separation from others. We may feel like we’re better than another person, or we may feel unworthy and unable to fit in. We cast words of judgement in an attempt to hold ourselves higher than others. We beat ourselves up for things we’ve done and said. We become concerned with other people’s opinions. We’re afraid to love, to be loved, and afraid of the loss of love. We’re afraid of not being good enough for a person or even for a job. We develop a fear of being rejected by those around us. We become afraid of being vulnerable with other people. Some of us become afraid to speak our truth. Perhaps the greatest fear for many of us is the fear of not living our purpose, of not living up to our true potential, of not being our authentic selves.

Physically, our fears can wreak havoc on our bodies. Speaking from an energetic point of view, all parts of our bodies are comprised of energy. Each and every cell in every organ is birthed from energy and requires energy to live and function properly. When our fears take over, our thoughts give rise to an increase in the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. We’re all familiar with it, the fight or flight response. Too much adrenaline results in an increased heart rate and respiration. Too much cortisol results in an increase in blood glucose that’s available and also temporarily inhibits critical body functions. All of this leads to a depletion of energy from our cells, which in turn, causes damage, sometimes that which is irreversible.

Again, the ego wants us to think we’re separate from everyone else, but we aren’t. We are all connected in one way or another. On a surface level, we’re connected by similar interests or hobbies. We’re connected by the communities in which we live, by our race or our gender identification. We’re connected by our jobs, by political, by religious beliefs, and more.

On a deeper level, we’re connected by our energetic flow, by our souls’ connection. How often do you notice that when you’re around someone who is in a great mood and really happy, that person lifts you up and you become happier and more energized? How often have you experienced the opposite when you’re around someone who’s in a bad mood? How often have you been around someone who gave you a bad “vibe” or someone with whom you connected immediately?

That’s the energetic flow that I’m referring to. We all have it because the energy system is a part of each and every one of us. That’s our basic, core connection.

Once we understand not only the mental effects but also the physical effects that fear has on us, it becomes important to understand how to work through that fear so that it loses its control. These are the steps I use to work through my fears:

Awareness/Recognition – Eckhart Tolle wrote in his best- selling book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change”. This is a key step to letting go of suffering and instead living from a place of joy. We have to identify that we are thinking of or engaging with a fear. When we become aware of it, we can move on; we can work towards the change.

Ask Yourself Why – Ask yourself why this fear has come into your consciousness or what it is specifically that you’re afraid of. Don’t stop at just one question and answer, though. When you have your first answer, ask the question again, and again, and again. Doing this will help you arrive at the next step.

Where Did This Originate – This is where the process can become painful, but I’ve also found it to be the step that begins to bring me healing and inner peace. The answer will likely deal with an event from your childhood or even one later in life that can be wrapped up in one or perhaps more categories – physical, mental, or emotional. We’re talking deep shit here – physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, parental abandonment, the death of a loved one, being a victim of or witnessing a horrific crime. The list goes on and on, but I think you have the idea.

Choice and Healing– One of the beautiful gifts that we as humans have is choice. We can choose to stay stuck in our current situation and reap the consequences of that choice, or we can choose to say, “Enough is enough. I refuse to live like this anymore”. It’s the choice that we all have in a given moment to make a change in our lives, to change our perspective.

The choice won’t necessarily be easy, and we may not have a glorious yellow brick road paved out in front of us. The choice, more often than not, takes the summoning of every bit of courage you have. For me, this step means I have to let go of the false beliefs that were imprinted upon me in my childhood. It means I replay conversations I’ve had with myself that weren’t particularly uplifting or encouraging. I reflect on the negative things I’ve ever told myself. I think about the actions I’ve taken that weren’t in alignment with love for myself. This step isn’t about trying to justify or defend my actions. It’s also not about shaming myself. It’s simply about being aware, because that awareness is what brings the change to the forefront.

Is this step uncomfortable? Absolutely! However, I believe it’s necessary. We all have a shadow side, a side of us that we hide from others, that may be attached to something deemed inappropriate by societal standards, a side where our deepest fears, insecurities, or “negative” thoughts reside. If we want to grow, we can’t keep this side buried forever. It’s important to bring it to the surface and face it head on. When we do that, we heal certain aspects ourselves; we grow. What I always try to remind myself of is that in our moments of deepest pain, we have the opportunity for our most expansive growth. We have the opportunity to set ourselves free, we begin to heal. With healing comes an awakening of peace, a freedom, and your soul and consciousness will begin to expand. Life will begin to take on new meaning.

When you’re in this phase, it’s critical that you go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t shame yourself. Again, just be with your thoughts and emotions.

Trust me, though, once you’ve made the choice to not allow the fear to control anymore, the healing can begin. With healing comes an awakening of peace, a freedom, and your soul and consciousness will begin to expand. Life begins to take on new meaning.

What to Expect Next

What happens once we’ve gone through the process of letting go of our fears? One of the first things is that we have an energetic shift in our bodies. We open up blockages so that our energy begins to flow more freely. For some, that even means an internal physical healing. For most or all of us, we gain mental clarity and we increase our connection to those around us. We also begin to recognize our individual strengths, gifts, and power. We begin to live authentically, and this is when the true beauty of our soul’s nature expands.

We all have something to contribute to making this world a better place. If you don’t believe me, imagine what the world would be like if our greatest leaders, activists, orators, philosophers, or artists caved to their fears. What connection would we have without their actions, words, or creations? What conversations, experiences, and feelings would we have missed out on? After all, connecting with others in some way is part of what we’re all here for.

Current Fears – Leading by Sharing

Maybe by now, you’re a step closer to facing your fears. Maybe you’re still somewhat paralyzed by them. If you’re ready for the next step but are still somewhat hesitant, I want to share my top three current fears so that hopefully you’re encouraged to move forward.

Dying in my sleep – Being a Type 1 diabetic, this is something that happens to others with the same condition. Of course, we could all say the same no matter what our circumstances are. Each day, I choose not to let this fear rule my thoughts, and I’m extremely grateful when I wake up and am able to experience another day.
Not being worthy enough for profound, romantic love – I know my worth isn’t dependent upon another person’s opinions of me, even if it’s taken me my entire life to know that. I’ve also been able to identify the multiple sources of this fear. It began in my childhood with my biological father and the messages he imprinted upon me through his words and actions. This fear reared its ugly head more recently this year, beginning with my divorce. There were many contributing factors to my divorce, one which was a mutual decision. However, the most painful part was finding out that my now ex-husband was having an affair. In my mind, it was another example of me not being worthy enough when someone else was. Once we decided to divorce and he left to be with his girlfriend, I decided to start dating. The first person I dated had some of the qualities that weren’t present in the relationship with my ex-husband. To make it even more exciting, he is heavily connected to the music industry. We had a lot of fun together, and I was exposed to a lifestyle I’d never been exposed to before. After two months of dating, he decided to take his ex-wife back. Yet again, the message I received was that I wasn’t good enough. The second person I dated was even more amazing and more of what I wanted to manifest in my life. He’s extremely intelligent, driven, and successful. He even has a romantic side. Having someone quote Romeo and Juliet can really knock a girl’s socks off! We connected on several levels, and while I wasn’t looking for a long-term commitment, I did see this relationship going somewhere. That all fell apart when he ghosted me. If you don’t know what that is, Google it. It’s a real thing and can be a true mind-fuck. Sorry for the language, mom. So, this year alone, the fear of not being worthy enough has plagued my thoughts. Again, I know this isn’t true, but it’s still painful. This is when working through identifying that fear and learning to let go of it is helping me to heal. It’s taking a little longer than I’d like, but at least I’m making progress. Yes, some days I fall into the loop of negative thoughts; I’m not perfect. The important part is just taking the steps to work through it, to know it’s my ego trying to retain control.
Not fulfilling my purpose – To me, this one is the most dominant one currently. I’ve gone through a lot of shit the past few years, but one of the most beautiful things to come out of it all is discovering my purpose and being very certain of it. It involves being completely authentic, which is both terrifying and exhilarating. I’ve all kinds of ego-based thoughts arise, but they are no longer acceptable to me; hence this is why I’m writing this particular blog. Writing is my way of processing the fear, of releasing it. It’s one of the most therapeutic things I know how to do. Writing allows me to speak my truth, to identify my thoughts and feelings, to let go of what doesn’t serve me anymore. Speaking my truth and living from an authentic place, one that is connected to my soul, is in direct alignment with my purpose. I’d much rather live from that place, one which is the most liberating, than from a place of fear.

Final Words of Advice

In addition to the process outlined above, I want to leave you with a few additional words of advice for processing your fears.

Let go of control – There are few things in life over which we have control. Stop resisting, let things be, and just observe.
Trust – The universe is working in your favor, even if things seem painful.
Quiet your mind – Sit in stillness or learn to meditate. We get so caught up in our heads sometimes that our thoughts can drive us crazy. It doesn’t have to be that way, though.
Remember to breathe
Speak your truth – Ignore everyone else’s opinions. They are based on their own personal experiences and are no reflection of you. Holding back from your truth will stifle your growth, always.
Be authentic – The world deserves our true nature, our bare souls. This will help to connect and heal all of us.
Live from your heart – We have all suffered some sort of pain. We all long for love from others and for ourselves. Love, kindness, and authenticity shouldn’t be feared but embraced. Be kind with your words. Be kind to others and yourself. Even in moments of intense pain and hurt, let your words and actions originate from your heart.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you decide to let go of your fears? The world certainly isn’t going to end. Instead, you begin to recognize that you’re worthy of everything beautiful you can imagine. You begin to share your gifts with the world, and your entire reality changes for the better.

What are some of your fears you’re dealing with now?

Until next time, I hope you all to find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.

Light Up Your Soul

This past weekend, I had the honor of attending my first Abraham Hicks workshop. It was something I had been looking forward to for a while and knew it would be an amazing experience. For those who don’t know who Abraham Hicks is, you can read up on both Esther and Abraham here: https://www.abraham-hicks.com/.

The energy in the room was intensely beautiful. The words that were spoken were so moving and loving. From a perspective of spirituality, awareness, joy, love, whatever one chooses to call it, it was exactly what I needed at that moment.

The main message that Abraham had is that life is supposed to fun and full of joy. I realize that’s much easier said than done sometimes, but it is something that can be accomplished. It just takes having an awareness of who you are and understanding and knowing your purpose in life.

So, how does one get there? How do you get to the point where you know your purpose in life or how do you even begin to have an awareness? I believe it all starts with quieting the mind through meditation and breath work. I also believe that it involves being present in the moment, not dwelling on things in the past or worrying about the future, but being present NOW. It’s also about being grateful or happy about where one is right now, understanding that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in this very moment. When we take on this perspective, the universe opens up for us and life becomes fun.

As I’ve thought about my experience over the past few days, I’ve had some pretty strong realizations about where I’m at in regards to my life’s purpose. I’ve shared bits and pieces with some family and friends but have also held quite a bit back. There’s so much to write about that I’m just going to take it a step at a time.

A little over a year ago, when I had my existential crisis, I asked for help and guidance from a Higher Power. Through that, it became very clear that my purpose was to help heal others with either my hands or words. Yeah, I get that sounds a little crazy, but trust me when I say, it’s a knowing I’ve had for many, many years. When I asked for the guidance, it was confirmed and continues to be almost daily. Since then, I’ve focused a lot on my spiritual growth and have seen, felt, and experienced some incredible things. I know in my heart and soul that I am on the right path.

The problem is that something had been keeping me from really stepping into this new life. Sure, I know some of it was fear. I also believe that some of it had to do with having a feeling that I needed to do more work on myself before I could move forward with trying to help others. After all, I still had “issues”, so who was I to talk to others about the beautiful possibilities in life? Well, I’ve started to experience more of a shift, which is why I felt the need to write today.

For some time, I’ve been focused on my future and not my present. What kind of work do I actually want to do? What if I can’t support myself? What if I fail? What if I actually accomplished my goals? What if, what if, what if. All sorts of doubts, fears, and comparisons kept creeping into my mind and kept holding me back.

That started to shift for me just recently. There had been quite a bit of turmoil in my life the past few years, even up to very recently. Just when I felt I’d been given more than enough to process, I had yet another major change occur, as my husband and I decided to divorce.

In some ways, the situation has been extremely painful. We are both losing our best friend of 13 years and grieving a deep loss. Going through our belongings has brought up a lot of memories that cut right to the heart. Sure, I’ve cried a lot. I’ve gotten angry, sad, and mad. I’ve felt heartbroken and lost. I’ve asked myself multiple times, “what if”. From our talks, I know he’s felt much the same way.

In this moment, my way of healing through this is to take on a different perspective. That perspective is to come from a place of love and gratitude, to accept and not resist, to let go and let things be as they are.

There’s a quote I keep seeing that says something along the lines of, “Don’t ask why these things are happening to you. Ask why they’re happening for you”. All of the things I’ve experienced the past few years haven’t happened to me; they’ve most certainly happened for me. I’m not a victim. I’m not a survivor either because that would imply something happened to me, not for me.

What I am is a soul who is connecting with her purpose. I am a soul who is now connecting with the universe, Higher Power, God, whatever one wants to call it and discovering that life is absolutely beautiful and amazing and can be anything I want it to be. Life is meant to be joyous, fun, and rewarding. To get there, though, we have to have an inner peace and happiness. In order to have that, we need to practice awareness.

What I’ve come to realize through this current chapter in my life is that my purpose isn’t to help heal others with my hands or words. My purpose is to live by example and to show others how they can help heal themselves. I can do this by living from a place of love, forgiveness, and compassion for myself and others. Most importantly, I can do this by honoring myself and who I truly am, by not giving into the fear of the negative stories I tell myself. I can do this by living authentically, by sharing my thoughts, feelings, and perspective. By living this way, I can connect with others who are discovering how to live their life with purpose and how to find joy within themselves.

See, nobody is here for the sole purpose of helping others. We are here to experience life, to find joy, to be true to ourselves, to connect with our souls. In doing those things, we often end up helping others, but that’s not our main responsibility. It’s an outcome of living from a place of high vibration, from a place of love.

I’m still going to pursue what lights me up. I have a strong knowing and desire to continue writing and sharing, to do energy work, to have conversations with others about our experiences in life, and so much more. I’m going to be true to my soul, to enjoy things in every moment in life, to have fun, and to continue experiencing what the universe lays out in front of me. I’m going to light up my own soul with joy and laughter, with peace and gratitude.

To all of you struggling with the negative thoughts running around in your head, please don’t believe them. Don’t think for a second that you aren’t worthy of the life you dream of. Instead, take the time to connect with your inner self, with your soul, and know that you are amazing, strong, courageous, beautiful, and inspiring. Know that you have a gift to share with the world, a gift that is uniquely yours. Know that you can uplift and inspire others simply by embracing who you are and living your purpose. Know that you are pure, beautiful, love. Get out there and have fun. Do things that make you smile and laugh. Do things that energize you and connect you with who you truly are!

Namaste

As we’re approaching the end of 2018, many people will spend time reflecting on what this year has meant for us. We’ll look back at our jobs, our accomplishments, our family and friends, our experiences, our health, and maybe even our finances.

During these moments of reflection, some of us may question how we compare to where we were this time last year. Others may question how their lives compare to their friends or neighbors. Some may even question what their purpose is and why they are here. I fall into the latter group.

2018 has been a year of self-discovery and growth for me. While I set out early to accomplish two particular things, my exploration took me on a path I never imagined, but one that my soul needed.

For many years, I didn’t have religion or faith to guide me. I lived my life holding on to the pain from my past, believing that things would always be a certain way for me. I believed I wasn’t worthy of love or support. I believed my thoughts, feelings, and words didn’t matter. I believed that I was an insignificant blip in this thing called life. That all change this past year.

People say that a shift in consciousness occurs at a time of great loss. It could be a loss of a loved one, a loss of a job that we attach our identities to, loss of health, loss of a home, the list goes on and on. When we experience certain losses or attachments to our ego, our perspective changes and gives rise to an awareness of something greater than ourselves. This has been precisely what I’ve experienced this year.

After feeling broken and completely empty and having no other place to turn to fix things in my life, I took a leap of faith and turned to a Higher Power for help. Let me just say first that this is never something I would have done before. For most of my life, I didn’t believe in any Higher Power or God. If I couldn’t see it with my own eyes or if it couldn’t be proven with facts, it didn’t exist. I can also vividly recall a moment when I questioned the existence of God completely. It was one of those, “How could God allow this to happen” moments. That way of thinking ceased to exist this year.

As soon as I turned my life over to a Higher Power, miraculous things began happening in my life. As soon as I had faith in something greater than myself, a shift began to occur. So, what did I experience? The list is actually long, but I’ll stick to the things that stand out the most for me.

Receiving a sign – At the very beginning of my shift and still feeling a bit uncertain, I asked for a very specific sign, for proof that something else existed. This was on a Friday and I asked to see it by Sunday night. I spent the first two days constantly scanning my environment. By Sunday I was ready to give up and almost forgot about it entirely. I was working on a project that was causing me some frustration. Going back and forth with the project and trying to decide whether or not to call it quits, I decided to give it one last shot. Just as I was at my wit’s end, the sign appeared. I remember smiling and laughing and feeling so comforted. That was the exact moment I knew there was more and faith was the key to seeing what else awaited me.
Experiencing synchronicities – These began to pour in immediately after I became open to a Higher Power. I used to think of these as just a coincidence, but now I know them to be exactly what they are, communications from my Spirit Guides on the other side of the veil. There were people I would think of who would show up in my life the same day they came to my mind. I would see patterns of numbers like 111 and 1111. The synchronicities began popping up around me all of the time.
Being able to see and feel energy – Everything in our presence is made up of energy. Trees, plants, thoughts, words, objects – energy is all around us. My first deep experience with this came in the form of Deeksha, a blessing and transfer of loving energy from a Higher Power. At the end of a group mediation and as people were laying their hands on me, I could feel immense energy flowing through me. I felt an overwhelming sense of love and peace unlike anything I had ever experienced. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I began to release years of negative emotions. Put simply, it was amazing and beautiful. The more I opened up to a Higher Power, the more I began to see and feel energy. I could see energy around my physical body and I could feel it move in my body throughout the day. These experiences continue to strengthen my belief in God, in a Higher Power.
Communicating with loved ones who have transitioned – As all of the things I’ve mentioned continued to snowball, I developed a desire to communicate with my dad who had passed away. Synchronicities played a role in this as well when I connected with someone who could communicate for me. This person knew nothing about me beforehand, only who I wanted to contact. We scheduled a time to talk on the phone and within minutes, my dad came through to her. She was able to describe not only his physical characteristics but also his personality. He would talk to her about various things and she would deliver the messages to me. She could describe, in great detail, the property and area where he had lived with my mom, things he enjoyed doing, details about our conversation while he was in the hospital, what I did for him the night before he passed away, and so much more. After communicating with my dad for a while, my biological father, who had also passed away, began to reach out to her. Because he and I did not have a great relationship, I was hesitant to hear his message, but that feeling was fleeting. I agreed to communicate with him and I’m so thankful that I did. What resulted was forgiveness on both of our parts. We apologized and wished each other love. This was something we weren’t able to do in physical form, but were finally able to do in spiritual form. At this point, I know both my dad and biological father are with me every day. I know they are at peace and in a beautiful, loving place. I have been given a gift of peace and love simply by being open to communicating with them.

When my life was dominated by fear, opinions, judgment, and factual evidence I struggled with so much. I struggled with love, peace, joy, happiness, and purpose. As I live my life now and release the things that once controlled me, my life is filled with beauty and wonder. I know now that we are all creations of a Higher Power, of God. We all have a piece of Him or It inside of us. We are all connected. We are all love. We are all here to recognize our purpose and to live our truth.

This knowing grows stronger inside of me the more I let go and have faith and focus on love and forgiveness. I do not wish to give my energy to negative thoughts or emotions. Instead, I seek to increase my connection to a Higher Power, to God, to Divine Source, through love. What is on the other side of the veil is an existence full of love and nothing less.

My hope for anyone reading this is that if you are struggling with finding your purpose, with knowing what love and peace are, that just maybe you’ll be open to a new awareness of things and that with this awareness, you’ll begin to experience something that can bring you a profound sense of peace and love. You all have a piece of a Higher Power or God inside of you. You are all worthy of being loved and emanating love. You all have a gift and a purpose. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, and live your purpose.

Namaste

Moving Beyond Fear

As I was planning my posts this week, I originally wanted to write today about realizations I had when I created my family genogram and how that connected to my beliefs, my actions, and to my soul, but something else has been gnawing at me since last night, and I’m compelled to change course just a bit. Fear, the great enemy, keeps popping up into my thoughts and into my conversations with other people. Between myself and other people around me, fear seems to be a dominant thought.

Why is that? Where do our fears come from and why do we allow them to control us? What if we were like children again and didn’t allow fear to take over our actions?

When I think about my childhood and nonexistent fear, there is one memory that always pops up. I can recall, with great detail, that when I would go out and ride my bike in our apartments, there was one hill that I always tried to tackle. I can remember peddling my bike with all my strength to get to the top of it. Once there, I had this incredible determination to stare fear and death in the face and peddle down the “mountain” as fast as humanly possible. Not wearing a helmet didn’t stop me. The fear of ramming into one of the many cars in the parking lot didn’t scare me. Nothing did. I was an unstoppable force and would slay that dragon every single time. I can’t recall ever crashing or veering off course. What I can recall though is how much fun it was and how I kept going back again and again.

As I grew older, fear started to creep into my life. Mostly I became afraid of three things. The first was being physically hurt. This thought would take on many forms, but the main one was being in a brutal car accident. For some reason, I’ve lived with this notion that my way of leaving this earth was going to be because of a wreck. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it still enters my thoughts to this day.

The second fear was that of not having money to put food on the table or a roof over my head. Even in the present moment, each time I spend money on something I become stressed. I think about how I’m going to need that money for food, the mortgage, or other necessities. I’ve often forgone spending money on fun experiences in life so that I can make sure I have money for the “adult and responsible” things. So many of my actions are regulated by the fear of not having money to provide for my husband and myself.

The origin of this fear is a pretty easy one to pinpoint. Both of my parents come from large families and hearing stories of their struggles growing up and the hardships they faced most certainly had an impact on me. Having been raised by a mostly single mom who worked full time to raise two children, I knew money was not a luxury we had.

The third fear was that of not being good enough for other people. Without hesitation, I know this fear came from my biological father not really being a significant part of my life. He left when I was very young and lived in another state most of my life. I saw him once or twice a year and when I would visit, he would usually send me to different camps without even asking if that’s what I wanted to do. It wasn’t. Because I rarely saw him, all I wanted to do when I visited him was to spend time with him, but I always got the impression that I was an inconvenience in his life, just someone he had to take care of a couple of times a year. I always felt like I didn’t matter to him and those thoughts and feelings carried over into almost every other aspect of my life. I viewed my worth as being dependent on how other people saw me and, in my mind, I would never be good enough or deserving enough of all the beautiful things this world has to offer.

So, how is it that fear plays such a big role in our lives? Why do we allow it to control us and what does it do to us?

I absolutely believe that fear comes from the words and actions of other people and what their realities are. This is particularly important when we think about those close to us in our most formative years. If we receive negative messages about love, security, money, respect, people, etc… when we are just beginning to form independent thoughts and lives, we begin to believe that’s how the world is and what we can expect.

You can find numerous examples of how someone’s early home life shapes their view of the world. Think for a minute about a young child growing up in an abusive household. If anger, yelling, and physical violence is all the things she is exposed to, that’s what she comes to think is “normal”. As that child matures, she begins to attract those things into her life by the people she surrounds herself with. This same principle applies to bigotry, racism, and more.

The more we’re exposed to these negative beliefs, the more we allow them to actually become a part of us and to hold us back. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “What you put out in the world is what you get back”, this is exactly what I’m talking about.

What if we didn’t have to live with these fears anymore? What would our lives be like then?

Just as our negative thoughts can shape us, so can our positive thoughts. If we believe that we are already an amazing, loving person and see the beauty in all people and things around us, we invite more of that love and positivity into our lives. We begin to believe that we are worthy of incredible experiences in life. We recognize our self-worth and realize it’s not a measure of other people’s opinions. We let go of negative things that no longer serve our purpose. We contribute more to those around us, to the world, and to ourselves. We begin to feel limitless and hold an unwavering belief in ourselves, our abilities, and the impact we can have.

My challenge for all of you who are hanging on to negative beliefs or fears is to just them go for a week. Let go of all of the fear, guilt, and shame you carry because these things certainly serve no purpose in your life; they are all lies you’ve come to believe. As much faith as you’ve put into those being a “normal” thing for you, put that same amount of faith into more positive, loving beliefs. Know that each of you is worthy of an incredible and amazing life. Know that each of you has something special to contribute to the people around you and to the world. Find joy in the things around you, from the birds to music or to friends and family. Express gratitude for everything you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Be aware of the thoughts you’re having and when something negative enters your mind, recognize it, then let it go and replace it with something positive.

The power to change your experiences in this world does not rest on someone else. YOU have the ability to create the life you want and it all starts with your beliefs, observations, and reactions.

Until next time, I hope you all find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.