As I was planning my posts this week, I originally wanted to write today about realizations I had when I created my family genogram and how that connected to my beliefs, my actions, and to my soul, but something else has been gnawing at me since last night, and I’m compelled to change course just a bit. Fear, the great enemy, keeps popping up into my thoughts and into my conversations with other people. Between myself and other people around me, fear seems to be a dominant thought.
Why is that? Where do our fears come from and why do we allow them to control us? What if we were like children again and didn’t allow fear to take over our actions?
When I think about my childhood and nonexistent fear, there is one memory that always pops up. I can recall, with great detail, that when I would go out and ride my bike in our apartments, there was one hill that I always tried to tackle. I can remember peddling my bike with all my strength to get to the top of it. Once there, I had this incredible determination to stare fear and death in the face and peddle down the “mountain” as fast as humanly possible. Not wearing a helmet didn’t stop me. The fear of ramming into one of the many cars in the parking lot didn’t scare me. Nothing did. I was an unstoppable force and would slay that dragon every single time. I can’t recall ever crashing or veering off course. What I can recall though is how much fun it was and how I kept going back again and again.
As I grew older, fear started to creep into my life. Mostly I became afraid of three things. The first was being physically hurt. This thought would take on many forms, but the main one was being in a brutal car accident. For some reason, I’ve lived with this notion that my way of leaving this earth was going to be because of a wreck. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but it still enters my thoughts to this day.
The second fear was that of not having money to put food on the table or a roof over my head. Even in the present moment, each time I spend money on something I become stressed. I think about how I’m going to need that money for food, the mortgage, or other necessities. I’ve often forgone spending money on fun experiences in life so that I can make sure I have money for the “adult and responsible” things. So many of my actions are regulated by the fear of not having money to provide for my husband and myself.
The origin of this fear is a pretty easy one to pinpoint. Both of my parents come from large families and hearing stories of their struggles growing up and the hardships they faced most certainly had an impact on me. Having been raised by a mostly single mom who worked full time to raise two children, I knew money was not a luxury we had.
The third fear was that of not being good enough for other people. Without hesitation, I know this fear came from my biological father not really being a significant part of my life. He left when I was very young and lived in another state most of my life. I saw him once or twice a year and when I would visit, he would usually send me to different camps without even asking if that’s what I wanted to do. It wasn’t. Because I rarely saw him, all I wanted to do when I visited him was to spend time with him, but I always got the impression that I was an inconvenience in his life, just someone he had to take care of a couple of times a year. I always felt like I didn’t matter to him and those thoughts and feelings carried over into almost every other aspect of my life. I viewed my worth as being dependent on how other people saw me and, in my mind, I would never be good enough or deserving enough of all the beautiful things this world has to offer.
So, how is it that fear plays such a big role in our lives? Why do we allow it to control us and what does it do to us?
I absolutely believe that fear comes from the words and actions of other people and what their realities are. This is particularly important when we think about those close to us in our most formative years. If we receive negative messages about love, security, money, respect, people, etc… when we are just beginning to form independent thoughts and lives, we begin to believe that’s how the world is and what we can expect.
You can find numerous examples of how someone’s early home life shapes their view of the world. Think for a minute about a young child growing up in an abusive household. If anger, yelling, and physical violence is all the things she is exposed to, that’s what she comes to think is “normal”. As that child matures, she begins to attract those things into her life by the people she surrounds herself with. This same principle applies to bigotry, racism, and more.
The more we’re exposed to these negative beliefs, the more we allow them to actually become a part of us and to hold us back. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “What you put out in the world is what you get back”, this is exactly what I’m talking about.
What if we didn’t have to live with these fears anymore? What would our lives be like then?
Just as our negative thoughts can shape us, so can our positive thoughts. If we believe that we are already an amazing, loving person and see the beauty in all people and things around us, we invite more of that love and positivity into our lives. We begin to believe that we are worthy of incredible experiences in life. We recognize our self-worth and realize it’s not a measure of other people’s opinions. We let go of negative things that no longer serve our purpose. We contribute more to those around us, to the world, and to ourselves. We begin to feel limitless and hold an unwavering belief in ourselves, our abilities, and the impact we can have.
My challenge for all of you who are hanging on to negative beliefs or fears is to just them go for a week. Let go of all of the fear, guilt, and shame you carry because these things certainly serve no purpose in your life; they are all lies you’ve come to believe. As much faith as you’ve put into those being a “normal” thing for you, put that same amount of faith into more positive, loving beliefs. Know that each of you is worthy of an incredible and amazing life. Know that each of you has something special to contribute to the people around you and to the world. Find joy in the things around you, from the birds to music or to friends and family. Express gratitude for everything you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Be aware of the thoughts you’re having and when something negative enters your mind, recognize it, then let it go and replace it with something positive.
The power to change your experiences in this world does not rest on someone else. YOU have the ability to create the life you want and it all starts with your beliefs, observations, and reactions.
Until next time, I hope you all find a way to begin Living Differently and Better.
